New Stock Market Terms & investment advice

New Stock Market Terms




CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer




CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer



BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius



BEAR MARKET - a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.




VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.




P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.




BROKER - What my financial planner has made me.




STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.




STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.




STOCK SPLIT- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.




MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.




CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.




YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.




WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.




INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.



PROFIT - an archaic word no longer in use.




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If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.




If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.



If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.


But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,


you will have received $214.00.


Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.


It's called the 401-Keg.